Thinking About Separating?… 6 Things to Consider
There is no other way to say it… Marriage is hard. Sometimes conflict or issues arise that derail the relationship. Those moments become especially difficult because there is no guidebook or understanding of best practices for a clear path forward.
Below are 6 questions to consider as you move closer to some form of separation whether its living in separate rooms in the same home or getting separate living spaces:
1. What’s the goal? If you have kids in the home, consider how you can minimize the impact on them. Is this separation part of a plan to heal or the steps toward ending the relationship?…Unsure? Better to slow things down and make intentional decisions.
Children at home?.. Have you considered nesting? Nesting is a practice where the kids get to stay in one home and the parents rotate back and forth between other housing arrangements. Don’t let the emotions of these moments create emotional trauma on your kids and impact them in ways you aren’t intending.
2. Talk to your kids honestly without false hope. Regardless of their age, they do not need to know everything. If your children are younger than age eight include something like: “Mom and Dad need time to figure out how to get along better so we’re going to try living apart. We both love you and will make sure that you see a lot of both of us.” Affirm their normal routines and schedules but make sure you have a plan of when they will be spending time with each of you. Access to both of you creates a feeling of security and stability.
If your kids are age eight to twelve, include similar sentiments but be more detailed in your plan and the impact(s) on their schedules and activities. Expect more range of emotional reactions in the immediate moments.
Kids older than twelve can handle a little more info and likely will have more questions. If they ask about something you haven’t considered, its okay to say you aren’t sure. Follow that up with lots of reassurance of both parent’s connections to and with them. This is a difficult age with so many emotional and physical changes already going on. Plan to check in even more to create opportunities to talk. However, be prepared, they may not want to chat. If they don’t have a counselor already, look to get therapy help for your teen or tween sooner than later.
Adult children will want to know everything but the need for boundaries remains. Involve them more in your plan and needs but not the fine print details. Even if they are adults they can’t be your therapist.
3. Should I have a neutral party involved? All the data that points to separation as an option for saving a marriage or even ending a relationship amicably prescribes a neutral party to help you manage the process. Couples that attempt to coordinate this themselves largely fail at achieving any healing and often escalate the conflict.
In today’s complex world, a mediator is the perfect solution to work with you and your therapist(s) on your plan. They can work with your therapist(s), connect your Care Team, and guide you in setting up the different aspects of your plan (see #’s 1,4,5,and 6). Mediators value your therapeutic needs, help you balance the legal implications of decisions you're considering, and make sure both spouses are heard, valued, and understood as you develop your plan. Don’t have a mediator yet? Schedule a free consult with our team!
4. Create a support network, a Care Team. Don’t buy into the myth that happiness is around the corner. No matter what perspective you have (I want this or I don’t want that) this road is difficult, and a good support network around you makes all the difference. Recommendation possibilities: a therapist, a mediator, a support group, a coach, a spiritual director, a pastor/elder...
(photo by Cotton, Pexel.com)
5. Create a financial operations agreement. Separations need an understanding of how the money and finances are being handled. Everyone should have access to the family finances…transparency is crucial! There are important standard practices that are critical pieces for every separation agreement. As you consider this, the mediator on your Care Team will be aware of these things and can help you understand the implications of separating and best practices. Don’t have a mediator yet? Schedule a free consult with our firm!
6. Remember you’re still married, set clear expectations with one another. While separating from your spouse, don’t forget that you’re still married. You need to respect any agreements that you make. Establish relationship boundaries, and remember - clear and kind communication is the key to realizing whatever goals you may have.
These six considerations will help you be prepared to have more informed discussions together. If conversations are difficult consult with a mediator and counselor as soon as possible, so they can help host and guide these discussions.
